I still shake my head sometimes and wonder what in the world? I am crunching numbers and I thought I was destined to write words.

It’s been a wild four years and a bunch of other crazy-ass stuff happened. But I think, hope, pray we are on the other side. Rich and I both have good, stable jobs. We have excellent health insurance. We both, however, have very stressful jobs. I am learning to compartmentalize. Say it with me, com-part-mental-ize. I actually have to practice saying it (and doing it). It’s a tough word. My boss has urged me to do this, as has my husband. I need to learn to leave the office at the office.

Which brings me to this…maybe writing helps? I was not stressed and anxious when I wrote regularly. Perhaps a little stressed when I submitted to other sites, but it didn’t ever lead to a panic attack – LOL.

Speaking of panic attacks, I haven’t had one in almost three years. Yay me! And I haven’t taken medication for it in almost a year. Yay me!

Writing, as we all know, is very cathartic. And fun. And maybe that’s what I need to do. Get back to things that are fun and give me relief.

Shall we talk pandemic? It’s terrible, scary, devastating. In the beginning, I had a little bit of FOMO. I kept going into the office, because I work for an employer who is considered an essential business. I felt safe, because most of my coworkers opted to work from home and we took every measure possible to make sure our work environment was safe. Although I was given the option to stay home, I chose to continue going to work, because I really didn’t know how I could bring it all home with me. Accounting really is a lot of paper and files. I just couldn’t imagine how I could do it properly from home full-time. The FOMO was based in the belief that all my friends and family were having an extended snow day. A couple of weeks into lockdown, Rich confessed to me how much it sucked having the kids home with him. I mean it got ugly some days – and involved a certain young Smithie chasing another with a broomstick. He told me I was lucky to be at the office. Enough said.

Hunter works at a grocery store. This was nerve-wracking, but ultimately, we decided that he should keep working. We took all the necessary precautions and I must say, I am proud of him. And he’s made some money. His employer has been good to him.

For the most part, our family has adhered to all the orders and guidelines. I really didn’t see much point in taking risks. We missed out on a lot, the same as everyone else. We had tickets to Hamilton, which has been rescheduled twice -currently for September 2021! With it now on Hulu, I wish I could get my money back. The Braves are giving me a hard time about a refund for the canceled Red Sox games. It’s frustrating, but I keep trying to remember that we are all healthy, and we are safe, and we have jobs.

We started out strong with family movie nights and game nights. We cooked a lot. Audrey baked a-lot. So much so that we had to beg her to stop. And we’ve all been using the basement gym. We’ve taken the dog on lots of walks. Camden’s been running. Rich and the kids have binged on NetFlix and Hulu, while I preferred to catch up on my to-read pile. I’ve spent many a Saturday and Sunday curled up on my office chair with Bandit and a book. I did watch Little Fires Everywhere and Mrs. America – both are excellent.

I’ve been reading a lot. It’s been lovely. I had been on a ready hiatus for the fall and winter. There was some turmoil at work and I simply had no time to read. And once I was reveling in my books, I realized they are essential for me. Yes, get ready, I will post my favorite reads of 2018 and 2019 soon (I know, way overdue). Yes, you read that right. I’ve had time to play with my stats. Y’all my Excel skills (due to work life) are on point!

The kids are going back to school on August 6^th. We were given the option of doing on-line learning or sending them back. I hope we made the right choice. I really am scared. But what scares me more is what they’ll be missing with the on-line option. Although Audrey did her assignments, and earned the grades, she didn’t get the education she deserved. My daughter is very smart, and I have such high hopes for her, and it guts me to think she wouldn’t reach …you know where I’m going with this. Sorry.

I have the opposite problem with Camden. On-line for him was a nightmare. His sixth-grade year ended mid-March. He learned nothing after that – and I’m sad and angry about it. I don’t know what we’ll do if schools close again. And neither Rich nor I have the time during the school day to help him. We really don’t. And Audrey has her hands full with Barrett. By mid-April, all of his teachers and therapists by-passed me and went right to her for his lesson planning. She attended all of his classroom Google hangouts and facilitated all of his therapy sessions. She blew me away!

Speaking of Barrett, he has been extraordinary through all of this. In the beginning he was confused, but I do believe that he loves having everyone home. He loves the slower pace. And he loves playing on the computer and not getting yelled at for it. But he is bored. Very bored.

Hunter. Oh Hunter. College has been tough. He made it through second semester but opted out of summer courses – even though I BEGGED him to take at least one. Not having it. He’s registered for the fall, but he is a little lost. He doesn’t know what he wants, but at least he’s plugging away. He’s in love. Remember your first love? Not fun parenting someone who is experiencing their first love. Not. Fun. At. All.

Bandit has loved quarantine! Now that we’ve had a few visitors, it’s evident that this has been disastrous for his social skills. Whenever someone arrives, he goes bonkers. He’s either overbearingly over-joyed to see someone, or he growls in the get-the-Hell-out-of-my-house manner. Oops! He has adored having everyone home and cuddles up to us all. He hates Monday mornings, when I get ready for work. Oh, does he pout.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this little writing. Should I post? I don’t know…

• St. Patrick’s Day – we celebrated at home, of course.
• Spring Break, Myrtle Beach, canceled
• Easter – just the six of us. Quiet and cold.
• Mother’s Day – just the six of us.
• Memorial Day – I don’t even remember.
• June Cape Cod Trip – canceled
• Father’s Day – just the six of us.
• Rich’s Birthday – just the seven (Hunter’s GF) of us.
• Fourth of July – my cousins visited, and we lit our own fireworks (and lived to tell).

There are so many things I miss about our old real life, and I mourn all the events we didn’t get to attend. I think the absence of Audrey’s dance recitals hurt the most. May was so strange. And every trip we’ve planned (before and during) COVID has been cancelled. But for the most part, my disappointments are superficial (I was really looking forward to the Wonder Woman & Top Gun sequels), but we have mercifully remained unscathed from deep disappointment. Some of my many sympathies are for our friends who missed out on the experiences of their children graduating and all the related festivities that go with it. Hunter’s senior year provided me with some of my happiest moments as a mom. I feel so sad for friends who have lost loved ones and are unable to mourn with friends and family or even have a funeral. I’m sorry for friends who can’t see their parents. I know so many people who have lost jobs or received a pay cut. I can’t watch the news anymore. I just can’t. I do not know when or how it will end. I look to the fall and the holiday season and I don’t know what to prepare for.

The loss of control is terrifying, and all the questions about what is going to happen with our country, and the elections, and COVID…it is overwhelming. And yet, this all has given me the opportunity to be in the here and now. I find myself to be more reflective, in a way I was only able to do in fleeting moments when life was moving quickly.

I keep wondering about the next chapter. How long will I need to keep plugging away with accounting? When can I get off the professional hamster wheel and start doing something I relish? I have all but given up hope on being a NYT best-selling author (you have to write to do that! LOL), but I do think I would enjoy owning a bookstore. But retail, in this economy? I love to recommend books – even when you don’t want it, I’ve got a recommendation for you.

Anyway, I do lately find myself frequently thinking of retirement – when, where, and how much money we will we need. And I do envision owning a business, if for no other reason than having Barrett (and Bandit😊 – cause my dog must live forever) with me. I want a small town, but I want it to have a beachy feel, but with four distinct seasons. And it must be a little bit cosmopolitan. I need fun fancy cuisine, a venue for concerts/plays, eclectic shops, and a major airport within an hour of my home – that is if I ever get on a plane again.  I need a Main Street – with a florist, candy store, ice-cream shop, and of course my bookstore….

Wow, how did I get there…

What I was trying to express is that I cannot believe my children’s childhood is almost over (not certain what I just wrote is grammatically correct?). I drive past the elementary school they attended on my way to work and my heart hurts. Like, literally hurts. And yet, whenever I have the occasion to be at Camden’s middle school, where Hunter and Audrey also attended, I get a feeling of dread. I think to myself, only two more years and I never have to enter these halls again. I cannot explain the dichotomy. But perhaps it’s just middle school.

Audrey loves to pull up old pictures on my computer and reminisce. I hate it. It just makes me sad. When I get a Google photo “remember the day,” it guts me every time. It’s frustratingly cliché, but it really does happen so fast. I’m often dumbfounded, especially when cleaning out a closet and I find an old toy and cute Carters outfit. I wish I could go back to the times when they all loved me unconditionally and just wanted to be with me on whatever terms. When they listened to what I would say. When I was their favorite person. Now it’s all angst and hormones and moodiness and closing doors and arguments and pulling away from me. Steadily pulling away.

We recently sold our big trampoline and the children’s playset, “Fort Smith.” I had to leave the house before the buyers showed up. I couldn’t watch them take it away. And now, now our backyard is so empty.

Hunter’s 19 – but until he leaves this house (and I have never wanted it more than right tow – I love him, but the in-love Hunter is hard to live with), he’s still a kid. And yet, he not. He’s man. Audrey will have her driver’s license in two months and leaves for college in three years. I feel like she’s going to pick somewhere far away. And she will be the one who doesn’t come back. Is it weird that I have already begun to miss her? She’s become so interesting, and I love to listen to her opinions of current events. That is until a mood strikes, and we all run for cover. Cammy, six years and it’s really over. I see college in his future, but I think he’ll be one to not stray too far from home. At least, I hope not. And of course, I will always have my Bear Bear.

Wow, one hour and 2300 hundred words. Messy words, discombobulated thoughts, but I have to start somewhere…

Okay, I wasn’t joking, I forgot how to use WordPress. I am about 16 updates behind. I have spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to add pictures. Think I got it, but patience is sparse. I am just loading and captioning in no particular order. Sorry!

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